Ruin a Date with a Philosopher in 5 Words
The Chronicle of Higher Education reports on a recent twitter tag: #RuinADateWithAnAcademicInFiveWords. There are a few philosophers chiming in. One of the best so far: @Ethicistforhire with “Doesn’t science make philosophy obsolete?”
I think this calls for a Ruin A Date With A Philosopher in 5 Words thread.
“The problem with philosophy is…”Report
Who reads Hegel any more?Report
Philosophy? I’m into Ayn Rand.Report
Let me see your handsReport
“So what is your philosophy?”Report
“That’s just true for you.”Report
Are you analyzing me now?Report
“Well, it’s all relative anyway.”Report
What does a philosopher actually do?Report
“That’s only true for you.”Report
“Truth with a capital T”Report
You walk on slippery rocks?Report
“Philosophy? That’s like magic, right?” (I actually got this once…)Report
“I love reading Daily Nous.”Report
“Especially the pseudonymous comments there”Report
Why are you into witchcraft?Report
And You’re Supposedly A PsychologistReport
“I loved psychology in college”Report
No thanks, I don’t drink.Report
But that begs the question…Report
So, what’s it all about? (A cabdriver once asked Bertrand Russell this)Report
“I’m a professional philosopher, too!”Report
“What’s the meaning of life?”Report
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate…”Report
“Really? Tell me your sayings!”Report
“You’re in private practice, right?”Report
I thought you’d be weirder.Report
“The study of fossils, right?” (Yes, someone did actually say this to me once.)Report
So, you’re a barista, then?Report
“So you’re a preacher, right?”Report
Everyone is a philosopher, kindaReport
You better be absolutely sure.Report
“My personal philosophy is _______________.”Report
Let’s talk about Žižek’s latest!Report
“Cool, I’m an atheist too.”Report
There’s this joke about Kant (fill in whatever philosopher comes to mind that you actually cherish)….Report
“What ‘research’? You read books!”Report
“Jesus is my favorite philosopher.”Report
I am on a spiritual journey.Report
So are you an adjunct?Report
That’s defamation per se!Report
So do you have tenure?Report
What philosophers do you study/like?Report
Do you the Philosopher’s Song?Report
You know the Philosopher’s Song?Report
“Define ‘sort of a doctor’…?”Report
“We need a new metablog”Report
Ethics, that’s what’s missing nowadays…Report
I’m a big fan of John Protevi!Report
Wanna join the Genius Project?Report
Oh, I self-published a book of my own philosophy.Report
You mean chakras and stuff?Report
Upworthy really makes me think.Report
“Have you read The Secret?”Report
I dig astrology too!Report
Why would this ruin a date?Report
So you’ve read Eckhart Tolle?
So you’ve read Deepak Chopra?
So you’ve read Wendell Berry?
So you’ve read ________________?Report
“Like to hear yourself talk?”Report
So. Many. Times.Report
“Do you even lift bro?”Report
Who is your favourite philosopher?Report
Philosophy? I watch Youtube too!Report
“I thought they’re all dead” or “Wait, people still do that?”Report
Well, so, you’re studying psychology, right?Report
Oh, I just love Coehlo!Report
oh that’s cool … (awkward silence, person doesnt know what else to say)Report
“So you’re into theories, hunh?Report
“Huh. Confucius says, ‘check please!'”Report
Asking questions you can’t answer?Report
“philosophy, right, that’s really deep”Report
…but you can’t prove philosophyReport
“…it’s all just made up”Report
or to really get things fired up “philosophy? but that’s just bullshit!”Report
Who should pay for this?Report
So where’s your TED talk?Report
“The Bible is my philosophy.”Report
Heidegger? Yes, he was NaziReport
So tell me about Nietzsche.Report
Don’tcha recognize me from class?Report
Do you like L. Ron Hubbard? (I got this one once from a mechanic as he was driving me from the shop to my office. I considered opening the door and tumbling out into traffic.)Report
OK, but what’s your career?Report
How many students are you dating?Report
I’m really into metaphysics too. Have you read Ken Wilber?Report
“Like Pilates and Aristotle, right?” (this was actually said to me)Report
Doctor of Philosophy in philosophy?Report
“I’m really into the supernatural”Report
“So, what am I thinking?”Report
If that’s what makes you happy…Report
“Dawkins said philosophy is dead”Report
“Is that a proper job?”Report
“If that makes you happy…” philosophers can’t even count…Report
“What’s that useful for?”
“Don’t you know that only academics read journals? Why would write things no one reads?”
“I hated philosophy in college.”
“I tried reading some philosophy once. I didn’t like it because they made too many Assumptions.”
“Lawrence Krauss and Stephen Hawking have shown that philosophy is all obselete bullshit.”
“What’s your personal philosophy?”
“It’s all just relative.”
“I think that ethics is like having preferences for different pairs of socks.” (After telling someone that I teach ethics.)
“You don’t have data; you’re not doing research.”
“Why would you want to be in school for so long? It’s so pointless and costs so much money.”Report
“Can you count to five?”Report
“Metaphyics? I’m a shaman, myself.”Report
“Have you seen The Matrix?”Report
You sit around thinking, right?Report
Derrida, Russell – Same thing, right?Report
“I hate arguments and debates.”Report
So you believe in truth.Report
You’re obviously an ethical person.Report
So you are very wise.Report
“I love reading the early analytics!”Report
So you do drugs, then?Report
Oh yeah? Tell me my future. (I got this once from someone who thought philosophers were the same as psychics.)Report
“Logic? We already deconstructed that.”Report
Well, it IS Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone in England…..Report
Wait. What’s research in philosophy?Report
I guess I’m buying dinner?Report
“Well, maybe in YOUR reality…”Report
I hated philosophy in college.Report
Wow, that’s a big moneymaker.
Oh wow! What’s your philosophy?
Oh wow! I love Freud/Ayn Rand/etc.!Report
I’m a Sagittarius…and you?Report
i love their lip glossReport
Ed Wilson said philosophy’s finished.Report
“Are there any living philosophers?”Report
I don’t believe you existReport
Neuroscience makes philosophy obsolete, right?Report
“What’s the meaning of life?”Report
If you can’t do, teach!Report
You must be so smart!Report
Usually I date successful men.Report
Responses I’ve actually gotten when I’ve told someone I’m studying philosophy:
“I’m really into magic crystals.”
“What’s your relationship with Jesus?”Report
“Look at you, you have no muscles!”Report
“But everyone’s a philosopher, right?”
(Real quote from an administrator. To which I responded “Yes, but some of you are amateurs.”)Report
So which philosopher do you follow?Report
You’re a hedonist doing philosophy!?Report
“Do you know David Chalmers??”Report
You must be SO deep.Report
So, what are your sayings?Report
“It’s all an illusion, just stop thinking.”Report
Are you a Rationalist?Report
Is it worth the income?Report
I really like philosophy blogs.Report
Tell me, what IS the meaning of life?Report
Annoying on so many levels, one being that Dawkins almost certainly never said this.Report
“When was the wheel invented?” (Got this once from a dentist)Report
Let’s just agree to disagree…Report
“I don’t like to read.”Report
– “I am in a crisis, kind of; I face some important life choices but I don’t know which way to go. So what’s your advise?”
– Non-philosophers who try very hard to say smart philosophical things in order to impress me (?!)
– “So, what’s the paradigm of our days? I think it’s technology.”
The favourite philosopher or philosophy question is a classic, it seems.Report
Me too!… Not as my job.
[sorry if it was done already. And sorry it’s 6 words, dammit]Report
“So, you bring out the philosophies?”
This was an actual question from my hairdresser. (What does that even mean: does she think I am the source of those positive thinking quotes on Facebook, or something?)
On the other hand, going to the dentist was worse when I still worked in physics. Apparently, most dentists do _not_ remember their mandatory physics courses fondly. 😉Report
will you open a philosophy store?
but there’s no morality without God
huh? people really still do that?
that sounds so post-modern…
if a tree falls in the woods…
right on, cognito ergo soon
Groucho?
you must be like so deepReport
I’m shocked at the number of philosophers who either cannot follow clearly delineated rules or cannot count to five.Report
My favorite expression? “Epistemic closure.”Report
“This reminds me of Buddhism”Report
who says ‘bro’ on a date? lolReport
Do philosophers actually earn money?Report
Bertrand Russell walks into a bar with a toad on his head, and the bartender says ….Report
“I’d like fries with that.”Report
I’m more into lacanian topology.Report
so, are you a believer?
I was watching Ancient Aliens…
Report
Sir/Ma’am, we’d like our check.Report
If they can fit it in 5 words – literally anything taking economics seriously as an approach to value, ethics, or human behaviour.
They gave a guy a Nobel Prize in Economics for figuring out that people aren’t entirely rational, for chrissake. Literally thousands of years after philosophers worked it out.Report