Ruin a Date with a Philosopher in 5 Words
The Chronicle of Higher Education reports on a recent twitter tag: #RuinADateWithAnAcademicInFiveWords. There are a few philosophers chiming in. One of the best so far: @Ethicistforhire with “Doesn’t science make philosophy obsolete?”
I think this calls for a Ruin A Date With A Philosopher in 5 Words thread.
“The problem with philosophy is…”
Who reads Hegel any more?
Philosophy? I’m into Ayn Rand.
Let me see your hands
“So what is your philosophy?”
“That’s just true for you.”
Are you analyzing me now?
“Well, it’s all relative anyway.”
What does a philosopher actually do?
“That’s only true for you.”
“Truth with a capital T”
You walk on slippery rocks?
“Philosophy? That’s like magic, right?” (I actually got this once…)
“I love reading Daily Nous.”
“Especially the pseudonymous comments there”
Why are you into witchcraft?
And You’re Supposedly A Psychologist
“I loved psychology in college”
No thanks, I don’t drink.
But that begs the question…
So, what’s it all about? (A cabdriver once asked Bertrand Russell this)
“I’m a professional philosopher, too!”
“What’s the meaning of life?”
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate…”
“Really? Tell me your sayings!”
“You’re in private practice, right?”
I thought you’d be weirder.
“The study of fossils, right?” (Yes, someone did actually say this to me once.)
So, you’re a barista, then?
“So you’re a preacher, right?”
Everyone is a philosopher, kinda
You better be absolutely sure.
“My personal philosophy is _______________.”
Let’s talk about Žižek’s latest!
“Cool, I’m an atheist too.”
There’s this joke about Kant (fill in whatever philosopher comes to mind that you actually cherish)….
“What ‘research’? You read books!”
“Jesus is my favorite philosopher.”
I am on a spiritual journey.
So are you an adjunct?
That’s defamation per se!
So do you have tenure?
What philosophers do you study/like?
Do you the Philosopher’s Song?
You know the Philosopher’s Song?
“Define ‘sort of a doctor’…?”
“We need a new metablog”
Ethics, that’s what’s missing nowadays…
I’m a big fan of John Protevi!
Wanna join the Genius Project?
Oh, I self-published a book of my own philosophy.
You mean chakras and stuff?
Upworthy really makes me think.
“Have you read The Secret?”
I dig astrology too!
Why would this ruin a date?
So you’ve read Eckhart Tolle?
So you’ve read Deepak Chopra?
So you’ve read Wendell Berry?
So you’ve read ________________?
“Like to hear yourself talk?”
So. Many. Times.
“Do you even lift bro?”
Who is your favourite philosopher?
Philosophy? I watch Youtube too!
“I thought they’re all dead” or “Wait, people still do that?”
Well, so, you’re studying psychology, right?
Oh, I just love Coehlo!
oh that’s cool … (awkward silence, person doesnt know what else to say)
“So you’re into theories, hunh?
“Huh. Confucius says, ‘check please!'”
Asking questions you can’t answer?
“philosophy, right, that’s really deep”
…but you can’t prove philosophy
“…it’s all just made up”
or to really get things fired up “philosophy? but that’s just bullshit!”
Who should pay for this?
So where’s your TED talk?
“The Bible is my philosophy.”
Heidegger? Yes, he was Nazi
So tell me about Nietzsche.
Don’tcha recognize me from class?
Do you like L. Ron Hubbard? (I got this one once from a mechanic as he was driving me from the shop to my office. I considered opening the door and tumbling out into traffic.)
OK, but what’s your career?
How many students are you dating?
I’m really into metaphysics too. Have you read Ken Wilber?
“Like Pilates and Aristotle, right?” (this was actually said to me)
Doctor of Philosophy in philosophy?
“I’m really into the supernatural”
“So, what am I thinking?”
If that’s what makes you happy…
“Dawkins said philosophy is dead”
“Is that a proper job?”
“If that makes you happy…” philosophers can’t even count…
“What’s that useful for?”
“Don’t you know that only academics read journals? Why would write things no one reads?”
“I hated philosophy in college.”
“I tried reading some philosophy once. I didn’t like it because they made too many Assumptions.”
“Lawrence Krauss and Stephen Hawking have shown that philosophy is all obselete bullshit.”
“What’s your personal philosophy?”
“It’s all just relative.”
“I think that ethics is like having preferences for different pairs of socks.” (After telling someone that I teach ethics.)
“You don’t have data; you’re not doing research.”
“Why would you want to be in school for so long? It’s so pointless and costs so much money.”
“Can you count to five?”
“Metaphyics? I’m a shaman, myself.”
“Have you seen The Matrix?”
You sit around thinking, right?
Derrida, Russell – Same thing, right?
“I hate arguments and debates.”
So you believe in truth.
You’re obviously an ethical person.
So you are very wise.
“I love reading the early analytics!”
So you do drugs, then?
Oh yeah? Tell me my future. (I got this once from someone who thought philosophers were the same as psychics.)
“Logic? We already deconstructed that.”
Well, it IS Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone in England…..
Wait. What’s research in philosophy?
I guess I’m buying dinner?
“Well, maybe in YOUR reality…”
I hated philosophy in college.
Wow, that’s a big moneymaker.
Oh wow! What’s your philosophy?
Oh wow! I love Freud/Ayn Rand/etc.!
I’m a Sagittarius…and you?
i love their lip gloss
Ed Wilson said philosophy’s finished.
“Are there any living philosophers?”
I don’t believe you exist
Neuroscience makes philosophy obsolete, right?
“What’s the meaning of life?”
If you can’t do, teach!
You must be so smart!
Usually I date successful men.
Responses I’ve actually gotten when I’ve told someone I’m studying philosophy:
“I’m really into magic crystals.”
“What’s your relationship with Jesus?”
“Look at you, you have no muscles!”
“But everyone’s a philosopher, right?”
(Real quote from an administrator. To which I responded “Yes, but some of you are amateurs.”)
So which philosopher do you follow?
You’re a hedonist doing philosophy!?
“Do you know David Chalmers??”
You must be SO deep.
So, what are your sayings?
“It’s all an illusion, just stop thinking.”
Are you a Rationalist?
Is it worth the income?
I really like philosophy blogs.
Tell me, what IS the meaning of life?
Annoying on so many levels, one being that Dawkins almost certainly never said this.
“When was the wheel invented?” (Got this once from a dentist)
Let’s just agree to disagree…
“I don’t like to read.”
– “I am in a crisis, kind of; I face some important life choices but I don’t know which way to go. So what’s your advise?”
– Non-philosophers who try very hard to say smart philosophical things in order to impress me (?!)
– “So, what’s the paradigm of our days? I think it’s technology.”
The favourite philosopher or philosophy question is a classic, it seems.
Me too!… Not as my job.
[sorry if it was done already. And sorry it’s 6 words, dammit]
“So, you bring out the philosophies?”
This was an actual question from my hairdresser. (What does that even mean: does she think I am the source of those positive thinking quotes on Facebook, or something?)
On the other hand, going to the dentist was worse when I still worked in physics. Apparently, most dentists do _not_ remember their mandatory physics courses fondly. 😉
will you open a philosophy store?
but there’s no morality without God
huh? people really still do that?
that sounds so post-modern…
if a tree falls in the woods…
right on, cognito ergo soon
Groucho?
you must be like so deep
I’m shocked at the number of philosophers who either cannot follow clearly delineated rules or cannot count to five.
My favorite expression? “Epistemic closure.”
“This reminds me of Buddhism”
who says ‘bro’ on a date? lol
Do philosophers actually earn money?
Bertrand Russell walks into a bar with a toad on his head, and the bartender says ….
“I’d like fries with that.”
I’m more into lacanian topology.
so, are you a believer?
I was watching Ancient Aliens…
Sir/Ma’am, we’d like our check.
If they can fit it in 5 words – literally anything taking economics seriously as an approach to value, ethics, or human behaviour.
They gave a guy a Nobel Prize in Economics for figuring out that people aren’t entirely rational, for chrissake. Literally thousands of years after philosophers worked it out.