Philosophers’ Pick-Up Lines

“I didn’t know that angels could fly so low. Or that angels even existed anymore now that God is dead… amiright???”

That’s Nietzsche’s pick-up line, as imagined by Dan Caprera in a recent post at McSweeney’s. His other “famous philosopher’s pick-up lines” include:

René Descartes: “I would rearrange the stars for you, babe… And, technically-speaking, it is NOT IMPOSSIBLE for me to rearrange the stars, because everything that is external to me is subject to skepticism and, as such, the only thing I can truly be certain of is my own, rational existence.”

Jeremy Bentham: “Wanna maximize each other’s overall happiness, babe?”

And of course:

Immanuel Kant: “If loving you is wrong, babe… then I have a moral duty not to love you because loving you is an ethical decision that cannot be universalized.”

…among others. One gets the sense that lines like these may have been what Manet had in mind when he painted this poor bartender:

Édouard Manet, “A Bar at the Folies-Bergère”

Nonetheless, I suspect some readers might be particularly good at coming up with additions to this list. Of course we needn’t be limited to the great historical philosophers everyone has heard of, so we have more to work with (just don’t be mean to the living, please). Here are a few from me:

T.M. Scanlon: “No one could reasonably reject you.”

G.E.M. Anscombe: “Them? They’re all idiots. I’m the only one who knows how you think. Let’s get out of here.”

Edmund Gettier: “I bet you don’t know what I like about you.”

Peter Singer: “The most good you could do? How about joining me for dinner?”

Susan Wolf: “You’re no saint—I like that about you.”

The Churchlands: “Trust us, don’t overthink it.”

David Benatar: “One look at you and I realized just how wrong I was.”

Your turn…

UPDATE: Philosophy Blogs’ Pick-Up Lines.

Related: “Philosophers’ Break-Up Letters“; “Philosophy Valentines

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